I want to see you smile.

Clever or dumb?‏

2009-05-31T19:37:00.003+08:00

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into thewoods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.

'The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.' For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.

'The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like to have a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention Female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times 'milder' than his wife!!!

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show..

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Square testicles.

2009-04-27T16:09:00.003+08:00

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered.

'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'

'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.

Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.

'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,

'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

Genie.

2008-11-12T08:28:00.000+08:00

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses, What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies?"

10 Commandments of Marriage‏

2008-11-11T08:22:00.000+08:00

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating! In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats the husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Who's smarter??‏

2008-11-10T08:16:00.000+08:00

Four MBA students were boozing till late night and didn't study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt. Then they went up to the dean and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return, the tyre of their car burst. They had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

The Dean was a just person. So he told them that they can have a retest after three days.

After 3 days, they said they were ready. On the third day,they appeared before the Dean. The dean said that as this was a special condition, all four were required to be in separate rooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days.

The test consisted of two questions with a total marks of 100.

Question 1: Write down your Name. (2 Marks)

Question 2:Which tyre burst? (98 Marks)

Haircut‏

2008-11-09T08:12:00.000+08:00

There once was a very good old barber in New York . One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: 'I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.' The Florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: 'I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

A Singaporean software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: 'I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.' The Singaporean software engineer is happy and leaves.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there... Can you guess?

...more than 50 Singaporeans waiting for a free haircut!

Bastard!

2008-11-08T08:05:00.000+08:00

A 20-yr old pretty, sexy and sensual girl went to see a psychiatrist. "Doctor, I'm so angry at my boyfriend that I must call him Bastard. I feel that he's gone too far, and he deserves it."

"Hmm? Such a word is strong and rude. But maybe you have your own reasons. Tell me about it so that I can help you."

"Yes, thank you, Doctor. There was one night... we parked our car beside the beach and we were alone... and... he held my hand..."

"Did he hold your hand like this?"

"Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're holding it now"

"If it's only this, he doesn't deserve to be called Bastard. It means he doesn't want to be separated from you."

"Then, he leaned his body towards me... and hugged me..."

"Like this?"

"Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're doing."

"It's not a Bastard. It means he wanna stay forever by your side"

"Then he kissed me..."

"Like this?"

"Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're kissing me."

"If its only a kiss like this, seriously you can't call him Bastard. It means he adores you."

"Then he put his hands inside my clothes and touched my boobs, Doc..."

"Like this?"

"Yes, Doctor... exactly like that"

"It's not behavior of a bastard. It means he wants to protect you."

"Then he took off all my clothes... slowly... "

"Did you resist?"

"No. I let him do it, coz I love him..."

"Did he take off your clothes like this?"

"Yes, Doctor. Until I'm completely naked like now......"

"He still doesn't deserve to be called "Bastard, because it means he wanna learn about your body completely."

"Then he kissed me and put his.... inside me and had sex with me..."

"Did he do it just like what we do?"

"Yes, Doctor. Exactly the same"

"You still can't call him Bastard. It means he needs you."

"But then he told me that he has AIDS"

All the staff and patients outside heard the doctor screaming,

"BASTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRD!"

Meet the Hypnotist!

2008-11-07T07:55:00.000+08:00

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone!"

"No more headaches?" the husband asks,"What happened?"

The wife replies, "Marge referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says,"Wow! That was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back."

He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that he goes back into the bathroom.

This time his wife quietly follows him and there in the bathroom she sees him standing in front of the mirror saying, "She's not my wife; She's not my wife. She's not my wife."

His funeral service will be held on Monday.

Love dress‏

2008-11-06T07:50:00.000+08:00

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered..

"But you're naked!" The mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress." The daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"John loves me to wear this dress." She explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. He can't get enough of me".

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

Cars...

2008-11-05T07:47:00.000+08:00

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down, and his fly wide open. His secretary walked up to him and said,"Boss, this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"

This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his Office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood.

He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary. When he reached her desk, he said: "When you saw the garage door open did you see my jaguar parked in there?" The secretary smiled for a moment and said, "No, Boss I didn't. All I saw was a Mini with 2 flat tires."

True BoyFriend...

2008-11-04T07:42:00.001+08:00

A young man walked into a jewelery shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said.

The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $4500.

"I don't think you understand... I want something very unique", he said.

At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe.

"Here's one stunning ring at $33000."

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the young man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by cheque, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a cheque and you can phone the bank on Monday and I'll collect the ring on Monday afternoon".

Monday morning, a very irritated jeweler phones the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account."

"I know, but can you imagine what a Fantastic weekend I had?"

Be careful of what you name your kid...

2008-11-03T07:38:00.002+08:00

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, "Penny."

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, "Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered "Come on Dick, let's go."

Knock on the door.

2008-11-02T07:37:00.000+08:00

A housewife heard a knock at the door, and when she answered, a man asked her if she had a vagina. The woman slammed the door in disbelief at what the stranger had said.

The following day the same thing happened, so she decided to tell her husband.

The husband was outraged. "Tomorrow I won't go to work," he said. "If the man returns and asks if you have a vagina, say yes, and I will be hiding behind the door."

The next day the same man came again, and when the woman opened the door, he asked if she had a vagina. The woman replied, "Yes."

"Good," the man said. "Then please tell your husband to stop screwing my wife!"

Why do man...

2008-11-01T07:33:00.000+08:00

Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!

Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman...... Why?

Because home sweet home!

Lame Jokes

2008-10-31T07:15:00.000+08:00

A bishop invites a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the priest can't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper is. Over the course of the evening he starts to wonder if there's more between the bishop and the housekeeper than meets the eye.

Reading the young priest's thoughts, the bishop volunteers, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later the housekeeper comes to the bishop and says, "Excellency, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"

The bishop says, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sits down and writes: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later the bishop receives a letter from the young priest, which reads: "Your Excellency, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

-

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

-

A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A beautiful young nurse arrives to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the oxygen mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

Struggling, he again asks the nurse, "Are my testicles black?"

Finally, she raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand, holds his testicles in the other, takes a close look, and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice, but, are my test results back."

-

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated vibrating hair remover for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.

Finding his reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

-

Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"

"Hmm," says the Doctor, He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

Impact of job change‏

2008-10-30T12:49:00.000+08:00

While travelling in a taxi, a taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second, everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: 'Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!'.

The passenger apologized and said, 'I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.'

The driver replied, 'Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years......

Your wife, the woman.

2008-10-29T07:09:00.000+08:00

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Women are unpredictable.
Before marriage, she expects a man,
After marriage, she suspects him
And after death, she respects him.

There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her. They got married - and now he is going through hell.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife."
The poor man wrote back, "I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."

"What's the matter, you look depressed."
"I'm having trouble with my wife."
"What happened?"
"She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days."
"But that ought to make you happy."
"It did, but today is the last day."

Kids In Grade School Think Fast!!

2008-10-28T20:08:00.000+08:00

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, 'School Ahead, Go Slow.'

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: John, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: ! Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
GEORGE: George!

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, 'I am.'
ELLEN: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

SYLVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card

A very touching story...

2008-10-27T11:57:00.000+08:00

A man was walking across the road when he met with an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be in a coma for 2 days. When he opened his eyes, his wife was by his side.

He told her (in tears), "When I was struggling with my studies in the university, I failed again and again. Sometimes I even have to re-take my papers. You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying."

She squeezed his hands as he continued, "When I went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there, cutting out the job ads for me to apply..."

He added, " ...then I started working in this little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. But you are still there for me." His wife was in tears.

The man said, "I finally got a job after being laid off for quite some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now. You are still beside me..."

His wife's tears trickled down as she listened to him, "And now I met with an accident and when I woke up, you are here with me.

There's something I really like to say to you..." She flung herself on the bed and hug her husband, sobbing with deep emotion.

Finally her husband said, "I think you bring me bad luck."

Baby first visit to the doctor‏

2008-10-26T06:27:00.000+08:00

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed,"she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed. The doctor said,"No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. "

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Good Jokes

2008-10-25T11:39:00.000+08:00

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father

Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.

Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8. And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence.
The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me.
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born.

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the samedog!

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: " Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."

A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' And 'illegal'?"
Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher."
'Unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is A sick eagle."

Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."

A boy came home from school with his exam results."What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy."
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level" (sea level)

Sex Jokes

2008-10-24T11:12:00.000+08:00

Newly wed girl told mom her husband is still a virgin.
Mom: "How do you know?"
Girl: "Last night when we made love, his cock was still inplastic cover."

Bangladesh Worker: "Sir, me no come to work, me sick."
Boss: " When I am sick, I have sex with my wife - try it."
2 hours later
Bangladesh Worker: "Boss! It worked! Me ok now. You got nice house."

After sex, Thai girl kept fondling man's cock.
Man asked: "Why? Want to have sex again?"
Thai Girl replied: "No lah, just admiring your cock. I used to have one before."

Women's lives are hard. Morning wash clothes. Noon hang clothes. Evening keep clothes. Nite iron clothes. Midnight take off clothes. After midnight find clothes.

To make it straight she pulls it. To make it stand she rubs it. To make it stiff she licks it. To let it in she pushes it. True? Threading a needle is not easy.

Priest lost his chicken and asked during mass:"Anyone got a cock?"
All men rose."I meant anyone seen a cock?" All women rose."
I mean anyone seen my cock?" All nuns rose.

A Sad story. A woman's husband died & she had him cremated. She then blew his ashes into the ocean and said" Sweetheart, this is my last blowjob for you."

Girl: "Mom what is a penis?"
Mom: "When you become a good girl you will get one."
Girl: "But mom what if I am not a good girl?"
Mom: "Then you will get many!"

A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary: "If I give you $3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"
Secretary: "Everything sir! Dress, Bra and Panties."

Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the ex Education class."
Teacher: "Why?"
Schoolgirl: "Someone told me that the final exam will be Oral."

Two sperms talking on mobile.
1st: "I'm somewhere between the fallopian tube and uterus. Are you close by?"
2nd: "No boy, I am taking a different route. I am just crossing the tonsils."

Scientists have discovered that the lightest thing in the world is a PENIS. This is because it can be lifted up even by a simple thought.

Stupid questions with the smart answers

2008-10-23T10:45:00.000+08:00

BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...

GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.

GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: How soon??

BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
PETER: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Girlfriend: "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend: "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher: "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil: "The moon".
Teacher: "Why?"
Pupil: "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil: "A teacher".

Waiter: "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer: "What other colors do you have?"

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

Teacher: "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam: "It's a family tradition".
Teacher: "What do you mean?"
Sam: "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher: "What about your mother?"
Sam: "She's a woman".

Tom: "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

Teacher: "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student: "Brotherly love".

Teacher: "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam: "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient: "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor: "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

Teacher: " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
Teacher: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

Tarzan and Safe Sex‏

2008-10-22T10:31:00.000+08:00

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"I dun know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh,... Den i use hole in trunk of tree?"

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong,... but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground.

"Here" she said,... "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees!"

Funny Centre Conversations

2008-10-21T08:57:00.000+08:00

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!)

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. '
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared. '
Operator: 'Hmm, So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power....... .. A power failure? Aha, okay, we've got it fixed now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too Stupid to own a computer!!!! !'

20 Impressive Short Sentences‏

2008-10-20T10:13:00.000+08:00

01) A squirrel who runs up a woman's leg does not find nuts.

02) When I was born, I got a choice - a big dick or a good memory. I am not able to remember ... what did I choose?

03) Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

04) My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects.

05) Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

06) There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop ... unless they are used together.

07) Panties are not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

08) There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

09) Virginity can be cured.

10) Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11) I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12) Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

13) Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

14) Of course you've heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.

15) Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives !!!

16) Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

17) A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and She was happy with the Thing......

18) Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

19) Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

20) Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ?
A: It's because Breasts don't have eyes.

Interesting Letter

2008-10-19T11:32:00.000+08:00

To all those who have kids in the teenage years - and to those who will get there at some point, have a read.

Father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend, Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway,42 isn'tso old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree? Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter, Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you!!!

5 Minute Management Course

2008-10-17T18:48:00.000+08:00

ahLesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll giveyou $800 to drop that towel, " After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized: "Sorry, sister, but the flesh is weak."Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: " Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying north for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Women as explained by engineers

2008-10-16T17:24:00.000+08:00

Not for kids!!!

2008-10-15T17:15:00.000+08:00

A man marries a deaf girl. He mimes: "Let's make a code: if I want sex, I will squeeze your breast. In response, you can pull my penis once for Yes, and 50 times for No"

John asks his grandpa: "Do you still have sex with Granny?"
Grandpa says: "Yes, but only Oral". John says: "what is oral?"
Grandpa: "I say Fuck you, and she says: Fuck you too"

The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!

A man is dying of cancer.
His son: "Dad why you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS??".
Answer: "So that when I die, no one will dare to fuck your mother."

"I am your Doctor. Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem. Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right. The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it"

YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.
TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the park!

Question: "Why is a waist called a waist?"
Answer: "Because, anything above the pussy and below the tits is a waste"

A lady tells her Man: "I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table". The man climbs into bed slowly and says: "Honey,would you please pass me the vagina?"

Question: "What's the similarity between a good-looking, faithful, rich husband who satisfies his wife sexually every night and Bin Laden?"
"BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND"

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage as they finally realized with wisdom that for 60 grams of sausage, it is not worth buying the whole pig.

Stress Relievers

2008-10-14T16:43:00.000+08:00

Stress Reliever #1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your briefcase to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Stress Reliever #2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

Stress Reliever #3
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

Stress Reliever #4
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you no matter who left you a fortune"

Stress Reliever #5
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Stress Reliever #6
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered.
"He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."

Stress Reliever #7
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up : "We are all human beans."

Stress Reliever #8
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

One month Overdue...

2008-10-13T16:28:00.000+08:00

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple haven't paid their last bill, asks "Are you Mrs.Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know????" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.

"What are you saying? It's in YOUR FILES?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull,rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY YOU???? And what if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

"CUT ME OFF???? And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle...."

dachshund or leopard...

2008-10-12T16:36:00.000+08:00

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful
pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing
butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So,
wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachshund thinks, "OK, I~m in deep trouble now! Then he noticed
some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew
on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around
here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a
look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the
leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it
for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something
must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made
a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what~s going to
happen to that convincing canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard
coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close
enough to hear the dachshund says......................

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring
me another leopard."

Morale of the story: If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with bullshit!

Potentially and Reality

2008-10-11T17:03:00.000+08:00

Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between 'Potentially' and 'In reality'."

Dad: "I will show you."

Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars?"

Wife: "Yes of course, I would never waste such an opportunity!"

Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars.

Daughter: "Wow! Yes! This is my fantasy!"

So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars?"

Elder Son: "Yeah, Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars! I would never hesitate!"

So the father turns back to his younger son saying: "You see son, 'Potentially' we are sitting on 3 million dollars but 'In reality' we are living with 2 bitches and 1 gay!!"

Who shot the bear?

2008-10-09T15:52:00.000+08:00

A 90-year-old man is having his annual physical, and the doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better! " he replies. "I've got an 21 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment and says, "Well, let me tell you a story.

Doc: I know a guy who's an avid hunter, and he never misses a season. One day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. He enters the woods and suddenly a huge bear appears in front of him!

He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle.

The bear drops dead in front of him.

Oldman : That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear.

Doc : Exactly!!

Do you dare to try it?

2008-10-09T12:14:00.000+08:00

A picture tells a thousand words. Here is an essay for you.

100 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Guy

2007-08-10T08:37:00.000+08:00

1.Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2.Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3.You know stuff about tanks.
4.A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5.Monday Night Football.
6.You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7.Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8.You can open all of your own jars.
9.Old friends don't give a crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10.Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.
11.When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stop at every shot of someone crying.
12.Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13.All of your orgasms are real.
14.A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15.Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16.You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
17.You understand why, "Stripes," is funny.
18.You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19.Your last name stays put.
20.You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21.When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22.You can kill your own food.
23.The garage is yours.
24.You get extra credit for even the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25.You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26.Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27.You never have to clean the toilet.
28.You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29.Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30.Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31.If someone forgets to invite you to something, he/she can still be your friend.
32.Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33.The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34.None of your coworkers have the power to make you cry.
35.You don't have to shave below your neck.
36.You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37.If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.
38.You can write your name in the snow.
39.You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40.Everything on your face stays its original color.
41.Chocolate is just another snack.
42.You can be President.
43.You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44.Flowers fix everything.
45.You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46.You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47.You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48.Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
49.You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50.You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51.Foreplay is optional.
52.Michael Bolton does not live in your universe.
53.Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you're in the room.
54.You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55.You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56.You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57.Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58.You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59.You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me."
60.The world is your urinal.
61.You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62.You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63.Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64.One mood, all the time.
65.You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66.You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too scary.
67.You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68.You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69.Same work, more pay.
70.Gray hair and wrinkles add more character.
71.You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72.Wedding Dress: $2000; Tux Rental: $100.
73.You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74.With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75.You don't mooch off of other's desserts.
76.If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77.The remote is yours and yours alone.
78.People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79.ESPN's Sports Center.
80.You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81.Bachelor Parties whomp ass over Bridal Showers!
82.You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83.You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84.You needn't pretend you're, "freshening up," to go to the bathroom.
85.If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86.Someday, you'll be a dirty old man.
87.You can rationalize any behavior with the phrase, "Fuck It!"
88.If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89.Priness Di's death was just another obituary.
90.The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91.You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92.You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93.If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94.New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95.Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
96.You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97.Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98.Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So,... notice anything different?"
99.Baywatch.
100.There is always a game on somewhere.

Busy man

2007-07-11T08:39:00.000+08:00

Hey people,
For this dire time and age when it is criminal to be unoccupied between work.

1. Never walk without a document in your hands People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the canteen. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busyAny time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.

3. Messy deskTop management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your desk, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice MailNever answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

5. Looking Impatient and AnnoyedAlways try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Leave the office lateAlways leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for EffectSigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8. Stacking StrategyIt is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9. Build VocabularyRead up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you will sound impressive.

10. Have 2 JacketsIf you work in a big open plan office, always leave a spare jacket draped over the back of your seat. This gives the impression that you are still on the premises. The second jacket should be worn while swanning around elsewhere

11. MOST IMPORTANT:DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake

Bad luck?

2007-07-10T08:35:00.000+08:00

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying. "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. "I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. "And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

BILL GATES - AFTER DEATH

2007-07-01T12:35:00.000+08:00

Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell!

After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"

"Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"

To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.

Mr Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."

"As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going.

He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver"

Funny Ah neh.

2007-06-30T12:30:00.002+08:00

Interviewer : What is your birth date?
Muthu : 13th October
Interviewer : Which year?
Muthu : ......EVERY YEAR

Manager asked Muthu at an interview : Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Muthu replyed : P-O-S-T-B-O-X.

After returning back from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife : No! Why?
Muthu : In London a lady asked me, Are you a foreigner?

One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Muthu: Any great man born in this village???
Muthu: No sir, only small Babies!!!

Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi so Muthu writes, "Gandi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.

Muthu was doing experiment with cockroach, first he cut it's one leg and said WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked. Then he cut it's second leg and said the same. Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the same. At last he cut it's fourth leg and ordered it walk! But cockroach didn't walk. Suddenly Muthu said loudly, "I found it. If we cut a cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf!"

On a political rally Muthu was arrested.
Why???
A woman journalist walking with a badge wrote "PRESS" and He did it.......

When Muthu was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted the mirror.
Muthu shouted, "You are trying to see my wife?
Sit back. I will drive".

Muthu went in a hotel. In order to wash hands he went to the washbasin. There he started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing.
Muthu pointed towards the board "WASH BASIN"

Interviewer : Just imagine your in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Muthu : Its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!

Painted Floor

2007-06-28T21:22:00.000+08:00

Imagine you are at a party... Got drank... And then have to visit this bathroom!

A girl pregnant...

2007-06-27T21:42:00.000+08:00

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge." "If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $5,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him; "Then you try again...!"

Jokes

2007-06-26T21:26:00.000+08:00

Wife : Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date.

Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures you continue to do so.

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl : Well that's because we aren't married yet.

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: " Billionaire"

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me: my pretty face or my body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.

Why teacher go crazy

2007-06-25T21:49:00.000+08:00

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.

SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY : ?????? No, I'm Billy Anderson.

TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you to keep yours.

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY?: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

HAROLD?: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER : Of course not.
HAROLD?: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
JOHN? : I hope you didn't either.

GARY? : I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

MOTHER : Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
JUNIOR : Because of absence.
MOTHER : You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JUNIOR : No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

SILVIA?: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER?: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA?: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER : What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY?: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet. -

HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE????? : Don't bite any.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN?: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN?: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defense," and "detail" in a sentence.
MAX??: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before detail.

MOTHER : Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR : You said it was my lunch money.

TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
SASHA?: A new bike.

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER: (sadly) You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT: (sadly) You don't know my father

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

BOY : Isn't the principal a dummy!
GIRL: Say, do you know who I am?
BOY : No.
GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter.
BOY : And do you know who I am?
GIRL: No.
BOY : Thank goodness!

Just to cheer up the day a little!

2007-06-24T21:10:00.000+08:00

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".